I decided to take the day off of work today. I have a lot on my mind and a lot of work to do. Honestly, if I go to work none of it will get done. This has been a short week and its still hard to be there. I’m running away from all of the paper work that I need to do. Today, I am going to stay home and just get it done. Its warmer at home then it is at work and there are far less distractions.
I saw Sean’s therapist to help me work through some things in my brain before I go forward and meet with other therapists. There is a lot going in the family. Its funny that though I am conscious of the gravity of what is going on, i am certainly more aware of it now then ever, I am pushing on with all the things I have to do. For the first time I am aware of the fact that,yes, these things are affecting me. I’m just processing on two levels: one for work and one for home. Ann reminded me that what is happening in my family life is having an impact on the feelings and attitudes I have about work right now.
I should be processing the meeting we had. I think I will do some work instead. My fingers are freezing.
I have been to my first and last wedding expo. It was at the convention center downtown. I went with Sean’s mother who is great. If you’ve never been to a wedding expo its like this: a huge room that is partitioned into at least one hundred booths to cover all of your needs, from cake to photography to body sculpting/fitness. Deejays played the latest dance music, catering companies handed out samples of pasta, and photographers and videographers showed off their wares. I wasn’t excited by much except the following:
a) having seen a real wedding album up was well worth the trip alone. These are not at all like the wedding albums our mothers or our friends have purchases. Wedding albums printed by the photographers arel ike magazine layouts, printed right own to cardboard stock, and designed expertly to really capture the specialness of the day. I swear I will have one of those albums. If it comes down to having a wedding album or having a videographer, I am going with the album.
b)videography is fucking amazing. There was this one company, Impressive Creations, that makes me want to break my budget to have them at our wedding. I do not want to break our budget. I want to save for both the wedding and moving, and to do both requires at least $20,000 (one half for the wedding, the other half for the settling into our new life as husband and wife). But come on….its rather tempting. They showed their video of a wedding that they’d done in Palm Springs. They were under the gun to produce this one because they wanted to show the video of the ceremony at the reception. Can you believe that?!! Do check out their website. I am not going with a videographer though. Every extra dollar spent is a dollar that can’t go towards our home.
3. On Sepulveda there is this shop called One Night Affair where they have “Spectacular Designer Gowns for Rent!” How great is that?! My mom can rent her mother of the bride gown, and so can Sean’s mom! I was thinking that I could rent my rehearsal dinner dress from there as well, however I believe we are having barbecue (its August!) so I don’t know. I can rent my accessories if I’d like. They have bridesmaids dress rentals for $45-$95 and cocktail dresses for the same price! I cannot even imagine where and why I would need to wear a cocktail dress, but I’m all over it!
4. I Do Concepts. They just have really cool ideas for invitations and paper. I need to start thinking about my save the dates….ugh.
5. BWellFit is what i am really excited about. Its pricey, but I want to do it. I want to get my body ready for the rest of my life and all the major things that will happen in my life.
Wow. Growing up and getting married. I still haven’t made a definitive choice about my colors but I know it will be 24karat gold. I’m torn between red or violet. I think it will be violets. Okay…yes it will be violets. argh. more to come!!
Its 2010 now!! Sean and I rung in the New Year at the Brentwood Inn in Brentwood. It was definitely an awesome staycation. Brentwood is maybe 30 minutes from our apartment, but is a completely different part of town. We lived the high life. We had dinner at the Clay Pit, ate breakfast at the Cheesecake Factory, shopped at Banana Republic and ate dinner at the Gulfstream in Century City before seeing Up In The Air. Wow, what a good movie. George Clooney is an amazing actor. I can already tell that this year will be life changing.
I really want to make big changes when it comes to my career and Sean wants this for me as well. Deanna and Darin spent their first year of marriage really focusing on each other based on scripture, which sounded like a great idea when I read it in her blog. It really surprised me when Sean suggested we do a similar thing. That I take off as much time as I need to figure where I want my career to go and where I want my life to go, as well as to take time for me to become the best wife and future mom I want to be. He doesn’t want me to walk into another dramatic and uberstressful situation. Apart of me really thinks that is smart. He has seen me through this last two and a half years supporting me as I go through stress enough to kill an elephant. Its no wonder he doesn’t want me to deal with this as we enter our first year of marriage. On the other hand, I am very used to making my own money and supporting myself. I am used to paying my own bills and saving money for “Just in Case.” Apart of me really wants to stay at home and raise our puppy until I work something out. I need to work something out before the end of the school year. Possibly by May. It won’t be difficult, but I also know that I would love to take that time off and really figure out what is out there for folks with my level of education. Or I’d like to work at a children’s retail store. I know…I keep my career options low. Its not the most important thing to me. It really is not. I want to have a happy family and a happy dog and a healthy mind and spirit. I want to work out and dance and cook and spend time with my future husband, dog and children.
Happy Holidays. It is New Years Eve and I am just slouching in bed watching the History Channel. This channel is way more interesting then it was when I was a kid. I went home for 7 days and had a great time. I don’t have any pictures because I spent so much time sleeping and playing go fish with Dee. When I wasn’t doing that I was ripping through bridal magazines with my mom and coming up with ideas for the ceremony this summer. Things were rocky sometimes, but they were more blessed and warm then they were rocky.
I came home on the 28th and Sean met me at the airport with flowers. We are going to spend tonight and friday night at the Brentwood Inn for our staycation. Its not too far from our place, but its in a different part of town and its not culver city so it will be different. I also interviewed a potential wedding planner! I hosted a lunch yesterday. I have just been resting. A lot.
I start work again on Monday. Real life will begin then!
I keep feeling this pull towards returning to church. Its a slight response to what may be anxiety or tension or something. I can feel this need to be contemplative and quiet and receive guidance and worship. I don’t think I have been to church in 9 months. I think it might be one part stress from work and two parts entering a new phase in my life that is creating this need. I need quiet. I cannot even handle when the kiddos are too loud at work. I’ll be sitting in the middle of a small group and they’ll be working and chatting at the same time and something in me will beg for quiet. I don’t say it out loud. With a group as small as mine, we can all work together and still get business taken care of, and I can still reach out and smack assist each one with out problem. Just them getting louder and louder does not appeal to me. I’m sensitive to sound all of a sudden. Goodness, I hope I’m not getting depressed. Maybe I’m just tired.
Maybe its just my job. Sean’s noticed it too. He thinks it may be job related, due to change or just general malaise associated with working hard for long periods of time. I bet that’s it. I certainly don’t feel like actually working. Assisting the kids with their assignments is totally fun for me, and coming up with assignments for my curriculum skills is also fun. Its …its in the air. I don’t think I like it very much anymore. Sean and I keep talking about having kids, and I said to him that I want to have them sooner rather than later so that i can take time off of work (ie. quit my job). That is not how its going to work. I am not going to quit my job. I think its too much financial burden to put on one person. Boy, can I dream though. Boy can I dream.
I think returning to regular church service will be positive and enriching. It will also challenge how I conduct relationships/friendships (from a distance) and help me to connect to a community instead of turning inwards. Sean’s dad was raised Catholic, and though Sean wasn’t raised any particular religion- his kin are the earthy type- and his mother and her family are jewish- though she’s non-practicing, as is her father- Sean agrees with the idea of me taking the kids to church. I can’t wait for this life. I can’t wait to take care of Sean and our family. Now, that is a happy thought to end on!
My freshman year of college, I would come home to my dorm in Bellermaine and watch cartoons on channel 11 (which in Seattle is not Fox). I think the show was called “Recess” and it was from the ABC collective of shows called “One Saturday Morning.” I cannot wait to watch children’s television with Dee.
I woke up starving, though last night I ate half of the largest steak I have ever seen. I suppose its good that I am awake so that I can make it to ballet on time, though it doesn’t begin until 10am.
I keep second guessing myself about life and stuff. Not about marrying Sean- he’s a keeper- but about work and choices and stuff. I’ve made the executive decision to not bring home work. If I can’t get it done during the day, it will get done the next day. This does not mean that I won’t make parent phone calls. It means that grading, IEP writing, and lesson planning is going to happen on campus. If I’m too tired to stay after school, it will just have to wait until the next day. I’m learning to be better about my time at work, so this should pay off for my sanity. I’m also more actively supporting my students in their classes, as well as being their for guidance when they’ve made stupid decisions. I’m running my own program- not my prinicpal. I think that is the attitude of most of my COT at work. Its just ridiculous. Communication is awful, even after we hired two mediation consultants who get paid $500 an hour to mediate communication difficulties on our site. Except, they got it wrong! Its almost as if they were not listening at all! The communication difficulties are not amongst the teachers. The difficulties are from the side of the administration. Sorry, I just had to rant on our school blog. Sigh.
Timefor ballet. I guess I am being quite productive after all
For some reason I cannot coordinate staying warm and staying awake. It gets so cold at work that I come home and climb into bed, which leads to me falling asleep and missing ballet. The winter will make me fat.
I am maintaining my sanity by leaving work at 3:45pm everyday this week. I need a break. Goodness. I don’t do much after school anyway, so why not just leave. I think this leaving has definitely been influenced by my level of tiredness. Is that a word?
I am thinking about hiring a wedding coordinator. I have the venue, the photographers, the dress…there just seems to be so many little details and I do not know how I am going to tackle them. My mom is completely in support of this. I don’t need a planner, I need someone who will be there to help me develop a vision and create that vision. I’ve been researching it on Projectwedding.com and have been getting advice from friends on Facebook (thank God for social networking bringing people together). Sean is amazing. He is willing to go along with anything I want to do. I just don’t want to plan this wedding alone, and I kind of need someone to help me who knows how to make this happen. I tend to lean towards the austere, which isn’t good enough for a wedding. I want to do it right the first time since I don’t plan on doing this ever again. I would also like someone who will be invested in my vision- what ever that shall be- as much as I am. I read a forum that really resonated with me- as much as I can trust my friends and family, no one will care about this wedding as much as I do. I also have a horrible time delegating and not micromanaging. That’s just causes a different level of stress. I want to be able to trust that things are really going to get done without that nagging feeling of “Was that done correctly/on time/given to the right person?” I am gong to let all of that be someone else’s job. I’ll have enough to worry about this winter and spring. I still need to finish my portfolio- which, let’s face it, isn’t going to be completed by the end of the fall semester. I have work. And I am blessed to be getting married, so I think its okay to reach out for a little assistance. Sean is helping me pay off my credit cards so that I can just save money for the wedding and life. This will be super helpful. Deep breath. I guess anxiety is normal. right?
I hope everyone is having a great Sunday. Its about 10am here. I have ballet at 11:30, and though I should be doing work, I don’t really want to. Sorry. I’ll do it later. This week has been the hardest week to be at work and the most progress making week for wedding planning. After Thanksgiving break, and I guess even before, work has been the last place that I’ve wanted to be. The idea of going to work tomorrow makes me just a tad bit ill feeling. I even skipped parent teacher conference night because I didn’t want to be there. I wanted to get my hair done…so I did. I know I’m supposed to be compartmentalizing, but goodness it is getting hard. I think if I started working out after work again I think it would be best. I don’t know how it would make things better. It certainly wouldn’t make me want to go to work any more then being idle. Oddly enough, there is nothing else I’d rather do. Sean’s going through the same morale issues with his work. We do these things because we have responsibilities. We have a wedding, we have a new apartment (potentially), we have a future that we want to build together so I’m going to just keep pushing forward.
In good news, I found our photographers and I purchased my wedding dress. Last weekend I emailed a dozen or so photographers that I found on projectwedding.com. People have such amazing talent. I almost drove down to Newport Beach on Monday after school, but Sean and I agreed that while one particular company was good, it was beyond our budget. On Wednesday I drove out to La Habra (it took about 90minutes to get there) to meet Blair and Sean of blairnicolephotography. What a nice couple! They are a young couple with a lot of experience. They’re very focused on developing a relationship with their clients, and Blair was super enthusiastic about not only photography, but helping me with any wedding questions I may have. They even recommended Robbins Brothers to me to get my ring re-plated. Such a great recommendation, because instead of taking 5-6 days to re plate it, they spent 5-6 minutes getting it done and its beautiful. I am soooo happy.
Yesterday, I went to a Marylinn’s bridal boutique in Beverly Hills and ended up purchasing my wedding dress. I was so surprised that I took that step, but for the first time when I saw myself in the dress I had that AH-HA! moment that people keep talking about. Nothing else I tried on there or at David’s Bridal made me lose my breath. I’m not going to put the picture online yet because I want it to be a surprise. I am still going wedding dress shopping with my mother in December because she’s never done that. I did not intend to buy a dress yesterday, but I absolutely love it.
I absolutely love trying on pretty dresses so trying on wedding dresses with my mom won’t be a problem! We’re going to take pictures and try on veils and different hair pieces. I don’t intend on wearing a veil on my wedding day, at least not any that I have seen. I want grow out my hair a bit and wear a flower in it. It works better for the part of the ceremony that we already have FOR SURE planned out. Now, that’s a secret!
Tonight we are having dinner with the Chatmans, Sean’s mom and dad. They are divorced and she remarried, but everyone has the same last name. I can’t wait to have that last name.
I think my body is humming. I can feel this torrent of nervous energy just beneath my skin, but I don’t know why it is there or why its purpose is such. I took of one day during the two weeks before Thanksgiving break. I think the idea of having to be at work everyday may just be driving me nuts. I just think I’d rather be at home, in bed, which is indicative of a bigger problem, I’m sure. At least I know better then to have a bowl of ice cream right now. And for all I know, I may just be PMS-ing, something that I just started to be aware that I do. Maybe others have always known this about me, but I’m just starting to notice it now. I tell you this, if it lasts more then another two weeks then there will be a problem.
I found a new hairstylist. She is within walking distance from my house at this super cool looking salon. Denise reccommended her to me because she also stumbled upon her and got a chance to see her book. Its difficult to find someone who can cut short hair properly, which explains why my hair looks the way it does because I haven’t bothered to get it trimmed in the last few months. I’m going in for a consultation and a cut on Thursday. Enough about my hair.
I have an interview with a wedding photographer tomorrow in La Habra, and another next tuesday in Santa Monica. I am attempting to set up at least three more interviews so that I can have a good amount of people from which to choose. Our needs are shifting everyday. We’ve decided not to purchase a super expensive album (as cool as they may be) and instead submit our photos to Iphoto or a different album site for half the price for a studio album. Everyone offers something different and has a different photographic style. I can’t figure out what I want things to look like. I am certainly stuck, and seriously afraid of making the wrong decision. A part of me wants to show up in jeans and just get it done. Then again, the ceremony is not the hard part…the hard part is the set up- finding my dress, deciding on decorations and music. I want this to be a great party!
That’s it. I need to compartmentalize the stress from work and the stress from wedding planning. I think my body doesn’t know how to seperate the two feelings, because they’re both essesntially writing lists and completing things on the list. I just have to keep the lists seperate and to make things a priority. I also need to make sure my work stays at work, and that I leave early enough to make sure that I can have a decent amount of decompression time before bed. So….the new plan: leave work everday by 5pm, no matter what. The extra two hours after school will help me to remain caught up with grading, planning, and IEP writing. I will be home by 5:30 at the latest. Tuesday night ballet doesn’t begin until 7:30, wednesday doesn’t begin until 7, so I’ll have a bit of time to unwind before I undwind on teh dance floor.
Also, its cold. PMS-ing, stress, and cold temperatures leave me feeling like UGH and on edge. Thank goodness its almost Friday.
Looking for wedding photographers has become my new obsession. Between browsing sites for wedding dresses and photographers, my hand started cramping last night from using the touch mouse. I had to make a to do list for today and prioritize what I am going to do because, honestly, I keep coming back to wedding photographers. I think it might go smoother if I actually had an idea about what I wanted my wedding to look like. Sean said that we can budget $2000 for the photographer, prints, proofs, dvds, album, and parent albums. He wants me to have something to share with our daughters. I appreciate his supporting my anxiety. I made an appointment to meet with Scott A Nelson in Newport, Beach at 6:30 pm on Sunday. Wow. I like the photography style of his associate Holly, unobtrusive photojournalistic style. My problem is that everytime I look at the wedding photographs I think that my wedding photos will not compare. I know, that is stupid. I just need to have a better idea about what I want for our big day. I am positive that I want someone who will capture how amazing that day will be. SAN is only one photographer that I’ve looked at. There are several, so its just the beginning. I should go brush my teeth. I have ballet at 1130.