Les Joies de Vivre

I haven’t blogged in forever, I know.  I”m waiting for Salvation Army to come pick up all of our stuff.  We are getting rid of so much stuff in order to move into our new place.   I am watching “Sorority Enemies” on Lifetime Movie Network while I wait.  I am really glad that’s not my life.  Not that its bad.  It just looks complicated. I am really glad that I am 29…29!!! and figuring things out now, not when I am 45.  I feel like I can breathe a lot better then I did in June.  I am doing a lot of work to find me and figure me out.

I am going to keep my websites so that I can practice my new website developing/designing skills.  We are moving to venice two days after the wedding.  We are putting off our honeymoon until the spring in order to save our money for our new place.  WE are beginning our new life together with austerity.  It feels nice to know that I am returning to me and not to teaching in the fall.  I am going to take 16 units at SMC- an equal balance of dance and technology classes.  Maybe an art class as well.  I’m hoping that my schedule will go: ballet 2, modern 1, graphic design, and ..well, another tech class.  It feels sooooooo nice to anticipate this life.

The wedding is in 16 days.  I have a lot of little things to do (order napkins, sugar, and cream; make escort cards; find the music for the reception) but I am not stressing out. I’m just going with a flow.  Things are getting done and they will get done.  If they don’t then they don’t.  The music is the most important part to put together.  I want everyone to be able to dance.  and Sean’s a dj, so between the two of us there is a ton of music.  I know the power of good music. I’ve seen how it works.

To be proactive about the stress I am going to an acupuncture appointment tomorrow. Everytime I talk to my mother she has something to say that ends with “you guys should do this…” and my response to her is always, “no…we’ll do it our way.”  she’s the worrier and if she comes down here and is all stressed out, i am going to have to leave her to her own devices.  I will hop in my car with Deanna and we’ll go relax.  I am not going to deal with their stress.  ugh.

come on, salvation army.

My last day of work was on the first of July.  I had already made the decision in November to not return to my school, and then over spring break and through the month of may I came  to the conclusion that I was not returning to teaching.  Seven years of teaching came to a close yesterday.  Thursday was the first day of many first that I will have this year:  the first day of the rest of my life.

I forgot how hard my emotions hit me at this time of year. Last year, I felt like I was actually losing my mind. This year they’re hitting me equally hard.  Elana says it may be because I have anxiety about the fact that I am no longer teaching and that I have no idea about what I want to do with my life.  I am overwhelmed by the possibilities, but also by the lack of follow through I have had towards things that I want to do…like saving money…planning my wedding…building my home…losing weight.   I am far from my family  and that is difficult at times as well. 

Sean’s grandparents have been in town since friday and its been much easier then  I thought it would.  We spent the whole day together today.  They gave me an acupuncture treatment which seemed to cause this cloud of sadness to dissapate.  It was a very interesting experience.  I’m all for anything holistic methods that can help alleviate my anxiety or sadness.  Sean’s grandfather is one of the most renowned acupuncturist in the field.  It was a great experience.  They said I had a block.  There seemed to be something more serious going on under my surface but  I can’t remember what they said about it.  His method is not to leave in 15 needles for 20 minutes like many other acupuncturists.  His method is 5 point acupuncture.   He inserts a needle in five points on the left side of your bodyafter having asked a series of questions about your life and taking your pulses at the meridan points.  I got the speedy version of a treatment that can usually take 2 hours. They are very intuned to the energy of others.

  I also enjoyed like at least 24oz of wine.  I’m not drunk.  I think if you keep drinking a lot of wine over the course of a day it just becomes part of your bloodstream.  I spent the day transplanting pictures from susan’s old photo albums to 12×12 peices of scrapbook paper and placing those in 12×12 sheet protectors in a 3inch scrapbooking binder.  We had lunch, drank wine, ate cherries, drank wine, ate pistachios, drank wine, watched Star trek, drank wine….and then cooked dinner.  After dinner we were sitting around and I was listening to them talk and I could seriously feel my mood and energy shift.  It felt like a piece of my heart sank through the floor.  When Sean and I were finally alone in my car on the way home i started to cry. Like sob.  the treatment definitely released something.  So did the wine.  Basically, I’m doing what I did last year too…cry.

Sean is very cool about me and my emotions.  He’s so supportive and validating without being patrionizing.  He really is the only person I could ever consider marrying.  He is more then my bestfriend.  This is our last summer as single youngpeople.  On August 9th will be our first morning as husband and wife.  We aren’t sure how many members of my family will actually be able to fly down for the wedding.  I miss my family terribly.  I think I also miss my aunt Tom who died a year ago.  I do feel much better having had a good cry.

its friday.  thank goodness.  At lunch, I leaned forward and whispered “Ladies, its Friday!” to which they all responded “Thank, God.”  Summer vacation is so close yet so far.  Many of the ladies are still waiting for word on the next area of their lives: new jobs, grad programs, weddings etc.  I’m waiting for the wedding.  I cannot tell if its because its Friday or if its because all of this waiting, but I did not have the energy to be present during the professional development meeting this afternoon.  At 3pm, I waved to my collegues and went home to take a nap. 

The theme of deliberateness keeps returning to my mind.  Everything has to be deliberate.   Not that it has to be a plan, but it can’t just be life happening to me.  I have to be happening to life.  This week I have been practicing this more.  Goiong out with Denise on Wednesday instead of staying in bed all day was movement forward.  Going to belly dancing even though Susan is out of town and I was tired was a movement foward.  I am starting to see how each movement leads towards something: creativity, release, improvement in myself-emotionally and physically- as well as in skill.  It is definitely scary- trying new things and making mistakes.  It is overwhelmingly hard, especially making mistakes. 

I’m identifying things that I love that I would be interested in trying as a career.  It is everything in my power not to default to all the reasons why things will not work.  So far I am interested in something creative, but I also want to do something that will add to our financial stability.  Fitness, creativity, working in an area that adds to positive progession in this world- these are all things that I have noticed move me and inspire me.  Its a good sign that i can identify these areas.  It is one step forward. 

Sean and I are actually starting to enjoy living together.  Before, we were just hanging out.  Now, we are starting to live together.

I took the day off of work!  I am really going to enjoy my ability to take paid days off before I lose the chance to do this!  Things I really should be doing:  looking for a job, finishing my portfolio for LMU.  Things I am doing: watching snapped, and updating my new address book!  I  have decided that getting back into letter writing.  I haven’t pen-palled since I was in the fourth grade.   It was so much fun. 

Even though I am just laying in bed (I’m supposed to go out with a friend but I am going to just wait until she calls), I am glad I took today.  I saw Elana (my therapist) yesterday.  Every time I see her she reminds me that I am going through A LOT and it kind of validates whatever emotional expression that I have had during the weekend or the week that I find to be odd.  Every time she says that, though, my brain goes, “what are you talking about?”  Apart of me doesn’t believe that people aren’t going through a lot.  If I am dealing with a lot (work, work, planning a wedding, wanting to find a new job, parents and their drama, starting a new life with a new husband) then it implies that there are people who aren’t dealing with much.  How is that possible?  We’re all adults with responsibilities, right?  Maybe it is more then some, but it can’t be more then most.  Granted, she never said that I was going through MORE then others….she just validates that its a lot.  I’m glad that I’m starting to work these things out (finding a new job, trying to become more comfortable with me, trying new things) before I have my kiddos.  I can’t wait for ME to be more stable so that I can be all about US.  I am glad that I do talk to Elana. It really helps to have guidance in how to navigate the wilderness that is my head!!  Little by little its helping to clear things up.

Sean and I have started our first couples project.  Its not an official project, but it is is a pretty good metaphor for marriage, parenthood, or coupledom.  We started a garden!  We picked up organic plants from Armstrong’s, as well as some window boxes and a large ceramic planter for my tomato plant!  Sean is growing peppers (caribbean and some other type) and red onions.  I am growing strawberries, an egg plant and a tomato plant.  I cannot wait to have fresh tomatoes with sea salt and cracked pepper.  I kind of want to go to happy hour tonight at Baracoa in order to have their amazing bruschetta, which is as close as I will get to delicious tomatoes on crunchy yummy bread.  sigh. 

Instead of enjoying wine and bruschetta, I’m hoping to take a dance class at this new dance studio called Your  Neighborhood Studio.  I feel totally great when I’m moving and dancing. Its the one time in my day where my brain is tuned into the moment right now…not into the future of things that I have to do or the future of hypothetical events inspired by the Lifetime Movie Network.  I’ve been taking ballet lessons for over a year now and I’ve taken 5 belly dancing lessons thus far!  It requires me to move and be loose which is different from my normal need to be pulled together and rigid.  Tonight I’m either going to try zumba (which has taken the world by storm) or cardio groove (simple cardio hip hop). 

Okay, i’m off to watch tv and scower the internet for potential jobs for this english literature major.

I have decided to start looking for a new job for next year.  The initial plan was for me to take some time off…and that might still happen if I can’t find a job, but its unrealistic for me to take too much time off. Its complicated.  I need to decide if i want to return to teaching next year.  I’d love to see what else i can do.  I’m really good at it, but being a special education teacher is a TON of work beyond just teaching a handful of kids. Every time I talk to Elana about my duties at work I realize that I am only able to do EVERYTHING half as well as I’d like or that i believe is acceptable.  I am  becoming really disillusioned and i think that is a sign that I need to figure something else out. Its not a matter of, “oh, you’re just having  a bad year at a bad site.”  In fact, professionally my year is going fine.  Its witnessing and realizing the reality of what is happening to education and the scope of special education within public education (its practically non-existent in private education) that a)makes me exhausted and b)makes me disillusioned.  I need to find a new role.

Elana has given me the assignment of just listing all of the jobs that I’d be interested in.  She asked me to be creative about this process of trying to figure out what I’d like to do.  I want to think outside of the box, but when I started “hunting” yesterday I just kept coming back to the “box” and looking at jobs at public schools in the surrounding districts.  I have no idea about how to get into other areas of public service when I have a master’s degree in special education.  I mean, on one hand its good that I specialized, on the other hand I need help thinking out side of the box.  I’ve only ever had this one job.  I’ve been at different sites, and have definitely grown in my profession, but now i want to do something different.  I find that I can’t even talk about teaching without feeling like “ugh…now i need a nap.”  Any suggestions would be gladly appreciated.

Today I am cashing in my groupon for a facial in beverly hills.  My face has finally started to calm down after the wax i got like two weeks ago…or at least almost two weeks ago.  This will be the second facial I’ve gotten in less then a week.  The first one was last friday and it accompanied a massage.  Upon typing that sentence I realized that it would be in my best interest to reschedule my facial for next friday.  You know, spread the goodness out some. 

If i don’t figure my life out soon…i’m just going to start having babies.  I swear, everytime a friend has a baby I have dreams about infants.  Most awesome job (and awesomely difficult job) ever. 

I just told Sean that I’m not immediately returning to teaching and that I am going to start looking for a different job in June- one month before the end of the school year.  It may take me longer then two months (July and August) to find a new job, so we’ll be prepared to take as much time as I need.  I’m saving all the money I can (hence the putting off the facial–I’ve already paid for, which is the nature of Groupon, but the tip and any other services account for any extra money spent).   I have been super active and out every day since Friday.  Its okay if I stay inside today. I have a lot of things that  I need to get done ….like wedding planning.  Tomorrow I will start on finishing my credential.

I am taking an extra day of spring break.  Today was a rocking difficult day…or at least it ended that way.  I spoke my mind and I placed my stake in the ground with my truth.  Perspective is a hell of a thing.  We had a very honest staff meeting after school with primarily the veteran staff.  I told them of how I didn’t believe that this structure worked, that it failed its students and teachers and administrators.  I spoke up about how if somehow all of our 12th graders graduate next year, they won’t be able to make it in college let alone life.  It will reinforce that there is always a way to get what you want…and not because you worked hard or thought critically but because you have access to the internet. 

I am not going in tomorrow.  I burst into tears talking to the AP.  I was telling her- reassuring her that I really appreciate all of the ways that she has been supportive to me.  I think I started crying because I know the decision I have made.  She wasn’t there to hear it. 

I come to work everyday hoping that all of the issues that have happened on campu will be resolved…that there will be an air of peace and respect.  Every single day something else happens to prove me wrong and to show me that my idealistic belief in what is right is foolish.  I am dying to figure out a way to extricate myself from all of this.  I talked to my  mother about recent events of duplicity that have crushed my faith in the direction in which our school is going. 

 i am standing by my beliefs and truths, no one elses.  i can only speak for myself and i will only speak for myself whenever possible.

I’ve been wanting to write for days.  I find that  I begin to get distracted and even self censoring so I’m taking some really good advice and have decided to just STOP self censoring. Whatever.  They’re just my thoughts and the insanity that is my life and job!  Plus, it may not be as boring to someone else as it is to me.  Bring on the assinine.  

I just need to do it.  I need to write and express myself…just the same way I need to listen to music and have it fill my life.   I realized that since moving in with Sean my music and my creativity have kind of taken a back seat in an effort to share space and time.  Well, all it took was me grabbing my head phones and buying some art supplies to solve that.  now if only I could find my journal. 

I am slipping into something.  I don’t know what it is.  You should see my office.   its really just the other bedroom that happens to have a desk, a tv, and a printer in it.  All of my clothes are on the floor.  I mean everywhere.  I take them off and I just put them on the floor.  I don’t think this is a sign of anything pressing. At least i wake up each morning and dress like a professional…of sorts!  I put on clothes, jewelry, minimal make up and some lipstick…so things can’t be that bad!  Its actually much better then ever if that’s the case.

I’ve made the decision to speak freely (with my blog at least) about my decisions for next year.  Next year, I am definitely switching it up and taking time out to work on me.  it will be the first time I am taking some time off to get my head straight.  I still have a thousand reservations about how this will be structured to best address my anxieties about money and career.  I have time and I am working actively towards figuring it out.

I’ve noticed that when i type like ths I get to enjoy looking at my ring as I am being productive!  Sometimes, I can’t believe I’m getting married!

I’ve been trying to read mysteries.  I’ve made my way through a few of the Alphabet Detective novels (A is for…T is for trespassing) and I am on my second James Patterson….and I just can’t do it.  Seriously.  I know that they’re written in a way that allows for a quick read and simple character development that pulls the reader throughout the thriiller and the series but I am so minimally invested in the characters and the actual suspense of the plot that i could care less. 

I want to dance. I’m listening to Janet Jackson on my iTune Dj right now.  I’ve said this before, buthonestly this is the best way to hear all of my music.

I met tonight with the florist, Parisian Florist,  for my wedding.  Brooke knows them and has worked with them several times so I trust them.  Also, the man’s wife is a special education teacher and has been one for 30 years.  I was so stunnd when I heard that.  I immediatey said, “she must be a saint.”  [Its not the kids that are killing me...its the reality.  Their reality.  And the fact that they are teenagers.  I get so abrasive...not really.  I'm just not as warm with students, especially if I am tired or trying to do some work.  I am always trying to do work. ]

My flowers are going to be beautiful.  All the pictures of flowers that I found were way to expensive, so we started all over from scratch and used the color scheme to make some choices.  My flowers will be lavendar roses.  The bridesmaid and maid of honor will have sahara roses.  Hydrangeas and lisianthus will decorate the tables.  The moms will have orchid corsages, as will Deanna.  The men will have saraha roses boutineers as well.   I can’t remember the rest of the details but I am glad that I have a better idea about the flowers.  I am goign to make an appointment  to visit the site again, but this time with a measuring tape and a camera.

I have so many thoughts in my head right now.  So much to blog about…but I am really tired. I am going to leave you with this pretty collage of wedding inspirations that I had picasa make for me.

or not.  The file is too big.

Today was a really great day.  I haven’ t had a weekend this great in a long time.  Even in the aftermath of the worst staff meeting ever (how is it that we try so hard to be honest and it all falls on deaf ears?) it was still an amazing weekend.  Sean and I spent Saturday in the park where he played basketball and I did yoga.  Today, we spent two hours cuddled up together and posing for our engagement photos.  It is really nice to have spent a day snuggled up next to him and kissing.  I think we forget to do that…a lot.  It made my day and my evening.  I can’t wait until the pics are posted on blairnicolephotography.com.

Tomorrow is a new workday.  Tuesday and Wednesday are CAHSEE testing.  I certainly have a full week a head of me…but I am really glad that I had today with Sean.  I love him so much!

I flew to Federal Way for the weekend.  I abandoned the kiddos and took a plane up on Thursday and will return to Los Angeles tomorrow by 4pm.  I’ve made sure to make things just a little more relaxing and more vacation like.  Instead of watching over my niece at the request of my mom, we’ve all been doing much more hanging out at home. All of us.  I went to see Shalimar in Seattle yesterday for lunch.  It was nice having a rental car and fulfilling the intention of heading out by myself.  It cost me some money but I had the money available, so I said “Why not?”  Capitol Hill looks cooler then it did when I lived there.  Way cooler.  Almost like Culver City.  I’m glad that I’m moving there.  I was glad to be able to spend time with Shals and her POP.

I stopped by Angel’s makeup counter and she did  a wedding makeup run through!  She is really really really good makeup artist!  I’m so glad that she is my makeup artist!  I wouldn’t trust anyone else.

Today, Angel, mom, Dee, and I went bowling!  Angel beat us all.  I don’t really see the point of bowling except to give folks an activity to partake in while drinking and eating instead of just sitting around and eating and drinking.  A little friendly competition doesn’t hurt anyone, I guess.  We had a good time just having a girl’s day!  I purchased my rehearsal dinner shoes.  Yes…I did write rehearsal dinner shoes.  It doesn’t mean that they won’t be worn between now and august!  I will have to break them in some how!

Now I need to start thinking about how i would like my invitations to look.   We stopped by the Paper Zone and it only gave me a small idea of what options there are.  I went in with absolutely no idea of how to make it happen.  Now I have a better idea of what I may need to ever have included in the invitation even if I have them ordered. That’s what the world is like in my neck of the woods.  What’s going on in yours?